Being Alone vs Feeling Lonely
On Sunday, I was feeling lonely. I know that I am not alone in this and many people have felt lonely more often during the pandemic. For me, I have learned to realize that this is a temporary feeling. I have felt it more since moving to a new state away from friends, during the pandemic, and when I became a solopreneur, but it comes and goes.
Feeling lonely is different from being alone and they aren’t always correlated. I enjoy being around people but I also thrive on having my alone time. The irony is that I had planned on having alone time on Sunday, but plans changed so I was not alone which disappointed me. So while I was not physically alone, I was feeling lonely because of my thoughts. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines loneliness as“…discomfort or uneasiness from being or perceiving oneself to be alone….”.
I want to point out that feeling lonely is different from depression. They can involve similar feelings but the major difference is that depression is a mental health condition. If you are feeling depressed, there are many resources and help. You are not alone. Ask for help.
Some things that help me overall and especially when I’m feeling lonely:
I let myself feel lonely. I remind myself that nothing has gone wrong. Feeling lonely at times is part of being human. I notice it and allow it to be there. The other night while I was making dinner for my kids and my son was talking, he noticed I was crying and asked what was wrong. I told him “I’m feeling lonely”. He looked concerned and I told him it’s ok to feel sad and lonely sometimes. You can keep telling me your story. Normalizing and naming emotions is important for me.
I separate the facts from the story my brain is offering. I do this by journaling. Every thought that passes through my mind is not true, especially when I’m feeling negative emotions. I noticed I was thinking that I miss my friends and haven’t seen them in a long time. I haven’t seen my family since Thanksgiving. My husband was gone visiting his family who we live close to. I also noticed “your friends don’t want to see you, it’s going to be so long until you see anyone, you are all alone”. I know these aren’t facts and they’re actually funny as I write this because when I’m done I’m having lunch with a friend. But at the time, they feel like facts even though it’s a story. Our brains are sneaky.
I intentionally create habits that help me feel better. Many times I don’t feel like doing them at the moment, but I do them anyway. Here are some that work for me.
I have a gratitude app on my phone and a notification pops up at 6:30 AM and 9 PM. It takes me one minute to type a few things I was grateful for that day or in general. Twice a day I am reminding my brain to focus on things I'm grateful for. Our brains automatically focus on the negative so it takes practice to redirect it.
I tell someone what I’m feeling. I text a friend or tell my husband.
I reach out to friends and set up zoom or in-person coffee or lunch. A lot of my friends are working moms and so it takes scheduling time for us to talk.
I exercise. Not for my physical health but for my mental health. I have a $100 exercise bike from amazon and I ride it most days for 30 minutes, sometimes even just for 10 minutes while I scroll Instagram. Even this small amount releases dopamine and serotonin. It also completes the stress cycle.
Remember, feeling lonely is completely normal and part of being human. You aren’t alone in feeling it. Text someone because statistically they are probably feeling or have felt lonely recently. If you can relate to this or find something helpful, send me an email. Many of you have and I appreciate the feedback to know what you find helpful.
