Self-validation: Freeing You From Needing Others to Tell You ‘Good Job’
Self-validation is a skill most confident leaders have mastered. Some have done this consciously or unknowingly, but most do have it. Validating yourself does not mean that you don’t appreciate others telling you "good job", but it frees you from needing it. It is positively recognizing that your accomplishments, feelings, and ideas are worthy, valid, and enough.
What is self-validation?
Merriam-Webster defines self-validation as the feeling of having recognized, confirmed, or established one's own worthiness or legitimacy.
Why is this important to leadership?
We all need validation, but this can be challenging if you only look for it externally. This can lead to people-pleasing, overworking, indecisiveness, and many other less-than-desirable traits in a leader. Brene Brown defines a leader as “Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.”
It’s harder to have the courage to develop the potential when we are wanting other people to tell us "good job" or approve of everything we do. Leading others will guarantee that there will be people that don’t like what you do. So if you seek external validation and prioritize people-pleasing to get it, it will hold back how much you can lead.
At a past leadership training, I was taught that perception is reality. Although I do believe this to be true, I took it to an extreme and began to try to manage others' perceptions of me. Which in turn led to a constant focus on pleasing other people. From my experience, this is exhausting, especially because we never truly know what others think about us. Once I was able to learn to validate myself, it freed me from the need to impress others and simply show up confidently as myself. (This is a journey, so each time you advance or do something new, it’s completely normal for old ways of thinking to come up and require you to do this work again.)
How to learn self-validation
Learning to appreciate and validate yourself is not as simple as repeating some affirmations. It takes uncovering some beliefs about yourself that have been practiced so long that they have become subconscious. They can be changed though, and that’s the work I do with clients and that I’ve done myself with a coach.
Here are some things to start with:
Notice where you crave someone else’s validation.
If you leave a meeting and you feel disappointed or frustrated because your boss didn’t tell you "good job" - notice that. Ask yourself what you wish they would have said. Then tell yourself that!
Get curious about why you are seeking approval.
Is it because you want to be liked? It’s a lot more fulfilling to like yourself and have a few other people not like you.
Stop judging yourself.
Judging yourself kills your confidence.
Stop comparing yourself to others.
There is only one you. You!
Try some thoughts on:
I’m proud of how you showed up there.
Great work today during that conversation.
I will love you no matter what happens today.
You are the perfect person for this role because you are in it today.
No matter how this goes, I will speak kindly to you.
I hope this gives you more awareness about where you are looking for external validation and how to instead give it to yourself. This can transform the impact you can have as a leader and make the experience more memorable and fun!
